4 Ways to Improve Communication at Home
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There is no “perfect” recipe for all relationships, but I think we can all agree that even slight improvements in communication can go a long way. Below are four ideas from our household that every partnership can try. Remember that your family is the most important investment that you’ll ever make, so invest your time in setting up your family for success.
1. Dedicate Time to Communicate
Not everything in life is enjoyable. Household duties and family scheduling can be super stressful, so try to set aside time every week or every few days to have these “less pleasant” conversations. Also, be sure to build in some flexible time to talk about things as they pop up. This may be every evening after the kids are in bed or maybe first thing in the morning is best for you and your partner. Some things don’t need to be discussed daily, but figure out a schedule with your partner on appropriate times to communicate with each other on certain topics.
In our home:
My partner and I have two weekly meetings scheduled, one on Sunday evening and the next on Wednesday. Every Sunday evening after our daughter is in bed, we sit down together to go over our calendar and the week ahead. This includes noting and reminding each other of any important events or appointments coming up to ensure we’re on the same page. We use our Maple app to track our household calendar and all the tasks/to-do’s we’ve prioritized for the week. We add due dates to time sensitive tasks and review the list every Sunday night to ensure we start the week off on track.
On Wednesday evenings we do a quick check-in to make sure things are still going smoothly and provide updates or discuss anything that’s popped up and needs attention with each other. This helps us stay on the same page, relay priorities and lessen the mental load of the week.
We obviously communicate with each other throughout the day on various topics and usually have a conversation over dinner about how our days were. These are the more pleasant conversations that don’t need to be scheduled, but should be integrated into your routine anyway.
2. Set and Update Expectations Regularly
This should include setting expectations for anything from the division of household & family management tasks to setting a family budget, sticking to a once weekly romantic evening together as a couple, etc. Sit down with your partner and lay it all out.
For household tasks:
If laundry is your thing, own it from start to finish. Taking out the trash may be your partner’s responsibility. Go through the list of everything that needs to get done in your household, assign ownership over those things and voila - expectations are now set.
However, remember to be flexible here. If your partner is out of town for work, jump in and tackle the trash. And if you’ve had a rough day, they can jump in to help with the laundry sometimes, too. Own your tasks but also set the expectation that you can ask for help when you need it. That’s partnership.
For personal needs:
Maybe quality time is your love language. Make a plan that every week you schedule some special quality time together—whether that’s going out on a date or having a movie night at home after the kids are in bed—whatever works for you. Set the expectation and put it into your schedule to make it happen.
3. Ask for What You Need
This is an important part of improving communication with your partner - or anyone. One of the biggest roadblocks to effective communication with others is a failure to express one's needs clearly. Many couples have a difficult time communicating what they want or need from their partner, especially when it comes to household management and the mental load of parenting.
If you need 10 minutes to yourself in complete silence at the end of the work day to decompress and set yourself up for a successful evening with your family, tell your partner that. See what you can do together to problem-solve and make that happen.
Consider that if you don’t ask for what you want, you won’t get it. You may have more power over your needs than you realize, but you have to say something.
4. Express Gratitude and Appreciation
A little gratitude goes a long way. Take a moment to note and express your appreciation for something your partner does for you or for the family. Everyone needs to hear that they’re loved and appreciated. Build this into your daily routine and see how it can positively impact your outlook on your relationship. This practice can help tremendously with getting out of an “irritation funk” with your partner. Let’s be honest, we all get annoyed by the things our partner does or doesn’t do. It’s important to remember that we’re all human and everyone deserves some understanding and encouragement.
If the goal in your relationship is to get as close to a 50/50 split in mental load as possible, there will always be some give and take. Reminding yourself that your partner also struggles and needs some understanding can go a long way. Offering a kind word and noting appreciation for even the smallest thing can make a big difference in improving communication.
In our home:
My partner is often the meal maker. He enjoys cooking much more than I do, and honestly it’s a relief that I don’t have to be the one in the kitchen every night. I always make a point to thank him for cooking dinner as we sit down at the table—in front of our daughter to model this for her, too—and I tell him it’s delicious and how much I appreciate him and his cooking contribution to the family.
Remember, it takes two! These tips for improving communication do rely on an assumption of best intentions in the partnership. Relationships are hard, they get even harder when children and a household are added to the mix. They take work and a willingness to push through discomfort and sometimes address and unlearn unhealthy habits.
The most important factor is that both partners want to succeed and improve, and that both care about the health and happiness of themselves and their partner.